Take solace that you will not get the clap. This article had me chuckling, buddy. There is an underlying current of humor to it and I am thankful I took the time to read it. I just read the first 5 paragraphs of Chapter 7 in Gogol's "Dead Souls" which sort of addresses this same subject matter. Take a look when you have time. Reading Gogol here in Kyiv during the war just seemed apt. Take care.