The February Journals

A Failed Attempt at Journaling: February 1, 20??

February 1, 20?? 10:28 p.m.

Reading:

Thoughts in Solitude, Thomas Merton

Mystics and Zen Masters, Thomas Merton

I seek God. I do not seek God. I live life. I do not live life. I knock on the door. The door is open. The door is locked. The things I despise, I call evil. Who am I to name evil? My pursuit takes the form of a passion, and it becomes evil. Where are the answers? Within me? No, I do not trust myself enough to believe that. That would be ego-centric. I do not want to be ego-centric. Trust. Trust in self. Trust in God. Who do we really trust? I want to trust God, really, I do. But He does not always answer. And, so, the answer comes from somewhere else. When it comes from somewhere else, do I believe it? Of course, discernment is necessary in all ideas, thoughts, actions. I can convince myself that the answer is what God wants. Therein lies the rub again, I convince myself that the answer is what God wants. But, who am I to know the mind of God? Hah, but perhaps I can at least see the mind of the Evil One. Can’t I? My ego convinces me that I can. A ball of confusion and then, no action. Surety is fleeting. Surety is a veil.

Lack of action is what the Evil One wants, after all. Total trust in self is like bowing down to…